Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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