Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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