I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize