Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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