i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
