i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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