I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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