It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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