I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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