my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
