When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
