I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
