Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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