I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
