just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
