He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
