btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
