You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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