Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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