you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
