How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
