I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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