Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
