what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
