her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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