yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
