Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
