at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
