holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
