I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
