Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
