My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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