Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize