I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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