so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How does one acquire holy water?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
