You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm determined to sit on that face.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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