I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
