Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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