I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize