Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
