meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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