She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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