Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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