I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize