I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
