i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
