my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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