Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
