I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
