I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
