my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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