I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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