I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
