Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
