she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
