The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
