I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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