I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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