I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
