So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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