Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
