Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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